Today I’m daring myself to make new friends. I am going to my first group play-date with a local MOM’s Group to see if I like it enough to pay the $20 a year dues and become a member. They have things going on almost every day of the week so Eli and I would never lack things to do.
I feel like lately, people just don’t like me. I had two women that I talked to frequently at the beginning of the school year at the bus stop and other times and I thought we were friends, and maybe we still are, but when winter came and it was too cold at the bus stop to stay for long, things kind of fizzled. One of them still talks to me when we see each other and invites us to play. The other I see at Scouts and when we’re talking she’ll completely look away and start talking to someone else in the middle of our conversation. To me, that is saying that she could care less what I’m saying and has better people to talk to.
Since moving to Upstate New York, I’m unsure of myself. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of good friendship, like there must be a defect within me that sends out a “don’t friend me” vibe. I try to be a good friend and listen with interest when people talk because I really care what people have to say. But there must be something about me that puts people off and I’m trying really hard to figure out what that is.
I hunger for friends…real friends that you can tell anything to, cry on their shoulder, help them through difficult times and vice versa, do fun things together, make plans, etc. In this military life we move every few years so we often have to leave friends behind, but it takes so long just to find a real friend that a lot of times it just doesn’t happen and I feel lonely.
So today, I’m hoping that I will finally find a place to fit in here.