Have you ever felt like you're locked in a room with no way out? You can kick and scream all you want and no one cares or will open the door. That's the point i'm at with this deployment. I'm tired of all the bullshit and I just want my husband home right this second. Nothing I do will make any difference in this so I feel like i'm stuck and just waiting, which I am. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it and I hate that. The hardest is the waiting. Before they leave you wait for the date to creep up and then, poof, they're gone. When they are coming home, you wait to hear anything, any news that will give you a more specific date of when they will reenter your life for a while until the next deployment.
The first group has come in. I was unable to attend the ceremony but I will more than likely be at the rest and i'm wondering how hard it's going to hit me that i'm still waiting for my turn. I will be ecstatic for the spouses getting their soldiers back, but there will be that little twinge of jealousy knowing mine isn't there too. There will be the longing for a soldiers arms around me.
I really try hard not to think about it at all, how close or far away it is. When I do allow it to enter my mind, it drives me crazy and the above feelings are the result. The part I hate the most is the loss of loving physical contact and i'm not strictly talking about sex, although don't get me wrong I miss that too. But a hug from strong arms goes a long way when you're feeling beat down by the world, not to mention how safe and comforting it is to be in his embrace. I can't wait for that!
I won't lie and say that i'm not a little nervous about having someone else in the house again, even as much as i've longed for it. He's been gone for a year and that's a long time. I think we've both probably changed in some ways. It will take some getting used to that's for sure. It will be an adjustment, not bad, but an adjustment none the less. And I can't wait to start another chapter.......