Monday, February 28, 2011

In a Funk

This week there have been lots of soldiers returning home to their families and loved ones.  I have a friend whose husband returned this week and I was so happy and excited for their family. 

However, with all these glad emotions for others comes very sad emotions for me.  I will honestly admit that i'm jealous that these women (and some men i'm sure) are getting their soldier back and we are still waiting.  It feels wrong and selfish to say that but it's how I feel. 

We are, hopefully, almost mid-way through this but it still seems like a lifetime away.  Chad will be coming home on R&R in a while and i'm afraid that once he gets here i'm not going to be able to let him go again.  I know I will have to, but i'm not going to do it willingly and it's going to be very hard for me to tell him goodbye since we weren't there when he actually left the first time.  We said our goodbyes at the car and then I quickly drove away while he sat there for another couple hours waiting to leave.  I felt like I was robbed of the time with him due to the decisions we made and I hate that we missed that time.   

I've never felt so vulnerable in my life.  Even when he went to Korea for a year I didn't feel this raw all the time.  I feel like a dying leaf that easily gets blown off the tree in the fall.  One small breeze and i'm going to fall.  I have alot of emotions going through me right now: fear, anger, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, apprehension..... and they just have nowhere to go.  Tears so easily spring to my eyes these days, it's just ridiculous.  I'm stronger than this so why is this deployment hitting me so hard? 

I feel like I have other people (besides my kids) looking to me to provide the example on how to handle this deployment and I put on a good front while i'm slowly falling apart inside.  When is it my turn to fall to pieces? 

Never take advantage of having the one you love right there beside you.  Take them in your arms every chance you get, kiss them frequently, show them that you love them with all your heart and make them feel it.  Don't assume that you have tomorrow or the next day to show your love to them and make them feel it.    

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