Bittersweet

Last week I went to help welcome back a flight of our soldiers from Iraq.  It was a bittersweet experience for me since my husband was not on this flight and won’t be home for a little bit longer.  While I wished my husband were coming home too, it was definitely heartwarming to see the excitement of the families and children waiting for their Soldier to walk through those doors.  I was doing pretty good until a kid ran from the bleachers when they saw their dad and hugged him while the soldiers were filing in.  It brought tears to my eyes and the soldier had the biggest grin on his face. 

Every day I’m reminded in some way of just how much deployment affects us all, especially children.  There are so many different emotions that come with a deployment, some are good and some are bad.  I think I tend to try and ignore it all and just go on with my day to day.  Every once in a while I let the darkness creep in and go to that place where it’s not alright and I’m not okay, but only for a quick time and then I snap myself out of it and move on.  I think this way of dealing will bite me in the butt one day when it all actually catches up to me, but really, that’s how I deal with a lot of things in life and after awhile it weighs you down.  I’m sure I would be a great case for a psychologist.  J 

I feel like major life events don’t affect me like they do most people.  Sure I get happy and angry and sad depending on the situation, but sometimes I feel emotionally closed off or like I’m holding my breath.  I think for the last year I’ve been holding my breath….waiting.  I’ll be glad when I can finally let it out and breathe easy for a while.      

Get me out of here!

Have you ever felt like you're locked in a room with no way out?  You can kick and scream all you want and no one cares or will open the door.  That's the point i'm at with this deployment.  I'm tired of all the bullshit and I just want my husband home right this second.  Nothing I do will make any difference in this so I feel like i'm stuck and just waiting, which I am.  There's absolutely nothing I can do about it and I hate that.  The hardest is the waiting.  Before they leave you wait for the date to creep up and then, poof, they're gone.  When they are coming home, you wait to hear anything, any news that will give you a more specific date of when they will reenter your life for a while until the next deployment.   

The first group has come in.  I was unable to attend the ceremony but I will more than likely be at the rest and i'm wondering how hard it's going to hit me that i'm still waiting for my turn.  I will be ecstatic for the spouses getting their soldiers back, but there will be that little twinge of jealousy knowing mine isn't there too.  There will be the longing for a soldiers arms around me.   

I really try hard not to think about it at all, how close or far away it is.  When I do allow it to enter my mind, it drives me crazy and the above feelings are the result.  The part I hate the most is the loss of loving physical contact and i'm not strictly talking about sex, although don't get me wrong I miss that too.  But a hug from strong arms goes a long way when you're feeling beat down by the world, not to mention how safe and comforting it is to be in his embrace.  I can't wait for that!

I won't lie and say that i'm not a little nervous about having someone else in the house again, even as much as i've longed for it.  He's been gone for a year and that's a long time.  I think we've both probably changed in some ways.  It will take some getting used to that's for sure.  It will be an adjustment, not bad, but an adjustment none the less.  And I can't wait to start another chapter.......