You would think that being almost 2 months in, I would be done with break downs and crying....but apparently i'm not. Or maybe it's because i've held it in so long and so many times that the dam is finally breaking and it needs somewhere to go. Last night I just bawled and bawled like a little baby. I have no idea what brought on this mess but it came. Now my eyes are swollen and puffy this morning and I have to go out in public. Figures.
I'm starting to realize that one can only be strong for so long until they also need a release for all their emotions. I'm hitting that point and we still have a long way to go. However, I have to be strong for more than just my kids. I'm also the FRG (family readiness group) Leader and I need to be able to put on a strong front for all of that and face whatever challenges other families may have and help them through, while organizing meetings and activities and parties and packages and all that while doing all the day to day stuff in MY life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself in any way, just trying to explain the extra stressors that I have. It helps to write things down to better understand them. I look at all that and think it's not enough, that I could do more, whereas some would look at just that and think wow, you do alot. I never feel like i'm doing enough. What is enough?
I just need a quiet, dark, warm cave (with lots of good chocolate) to crawl into for a while until I can get control of my emotions again.......i'm having an off time right now. I miss my wonderful husband horribly at this moment, which yet again brings tears to my eyes. It's a viscious cycle, this thing called deployment.